Rear-view Mirrors

I've started writing this post several times now and I can never think of the right way to word it. So in all my fumbling, there will somehow arise a blog. Whether or not it means anything to anyone else other than myself does not matter.


One question I've been constantly asking myself recently is "Why do people do the things they do?" What makes an idea worth trying or a risk worth taking? 


I've done things that I look at and think, "Was I even equipped with functioning mental capacities at the time? Why did I think this was ok and why did I continue?" Too many times my emotions are faster than my brain. Even when I am conscious of the fact that what I am doing is questionable, my emotions are faster than the thought process of "stop doing that, you idiot". And once you pop, you just can't stop. 


I've known for years that I have an addictive personality, the problem is I have no way of predicting what my vice will be at a given time. For a while last year it was Wendy's chili and a baked potato. Once it was watching every episode of Law and Order SVU that I could fit on the DVR. For too long my addiction was working out for a minimum of four hours every night. Talk about fun times. Oh, and who can forget the other obsessive behaviors that are too embarrassing to cite? I have no idea how my family put up with me for all those years. I probably would have strangled me. No, I KNOW I would have strangled me.


How do I get myself into these situations? I must have an unknown propensity for adventurous affairs. But then, why do I STAY in these situations? That's a question 6 years overdue. I knew how to stop and openly admitted I needed to, but when it came down to the follow through? Nonexistent. The absurdity of it all is that there was no glorious moment where it all made sense and I repented of my ways and made things right. Too easy. In my experience you don't learn if you don't suffer. 


So I continue to blunder through hoping that the choices I make in the future won't screw me up as much as the ones I've already made. I look forward to the day when the reflection I see in my rear-view mirror isn't one of regret and sadness. But that will take time that has not been granted me yet. Until then, in the Crowder famous words, "I'm doing the best I can, sir".